Dramatis Personae, defined by lines: 

The Cast and Crew of Team Critter

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(Listed roughly in order of importance. Click on the names to see each characters' first appearance)

"Doc"  (Polar bear, Ursus maritimus)
Real name: Mortimer James Abraham Tiberius Nickelovich-Smythe
The Boss. Owner of the local Paintball Store, DARPA subcontractor and occasional Mad Scientist. Can eat an entire deep-fried walrus in a single sitting. Brews his own Mountain Dew since the regular stuff "isn't strong enough". Holds licenses to operate up to fourteen nuclear reactors on the premises, two of which are used solely to produce his Dew. Currently dating Cara, which still kind of surprises him, really.
Favorite Weapon: Heavy wooden mallet
Favorite Marker: Old Autocockers. The more complicated the better
Favorite food: Taco Bell's Harp Seal Empanada
Favorite phrase: "What could possibly go wrong?"
Religion: Lapsed Pastafarian
Special ability: Incredibly strong, highly durable and resistant to damage, can regenerate if given enough Dew.
Jersey number: 01 or .05
Previously unpublished fact: Often regrets not being allowed to eat surly customers and uncooperative players anymore.
Cara Cara (Polar bear, Ursus maritimus)
Full name: Cara Ataksak
The Barista. Works in a small but kind of fancy coffee shop that recently opened a few blocks up from the paintball shop. Currently dating Doc and, astonishingly, not only seems to be doing it of her own free will, but appears to be genuinely enjoying the experience. Yeah, I know, right?
Favorite coffee: Jamaican Blue Mountain, although she can't afford it more than once or twice a year.
Favorite food: Blueberry bagels with cream cheese.
Favorite phrase: "Should I be worried?"
Special ability: Immune to sarcasm
Previously unpublished Fact: Surprisingly, is not suffering from a debilitating mental illness or lingering head wound. Who knew?
Roger  (Raccoon, Procyon Lotor)
Full name: As-yet unpublished.
The Tinkerer. Electronics expert, software engineer and part-time inventor, although around 20% of his creations tend to explode unless Doc is involved, in which case it's closer to 45%. Hobbies include collecting obscure anime, cooking, and experimenting with radioactive substances.
Married, two three children.
Favorite phrase: "Holy crap! Everybody take cover!"
Favorite weapon: Bomb-defusing pliers.
Favorite food: Doritos
Special ability: Champion beer-pong player.
Jersey number: 02, sometimes 03
Previously unpublished fact: Currently emits approximately 53 millirems per day, due to a "slight mishap" he'd rather not talk about at the moment.
"Swamp Fox"  ("Swampy") (Southcentral Alaskan Red Fox, Vulpes vulpes kenaiensis, )
Real name: Rumored to be Percival Sebastian Higginbotham III
Just Some Guy. The quintessential rec player. Kinda laid-back, more interested in just having fun than "winning at all costs". Kind of a slacker, but more than willing to help sweep up after an 'incident' at the shop. Currently dating Sandy. As often as possible.
Favorite Marker: Whatever works that day, or whatever he can borrow.
Favorite food: Leftover pizza and Cheetos.
Favorite phrase: "You gonna eat that?"
Jersey Number: 03, sometimes 02
Previously unpublished fact: Rumored to be the heir to the Higginbotham Spatula Family Fortune.
Sandy  (Red fox, Vulpes vulpes)
Real name: Sandra Rae
The Secretary. The only reason Doc even still has a business. If she wasn't keeping his paperwork in order, he'd probably be getting waterboarded in debtors' prison somewhere. Often incredibly frustrated by the process, she generally finds it an interesting challenge- and a good way to buff up a resume` for whatever Fortune 500 company she might want to move on to. Currently dating Swampy, often in a broom closet in the office.
Favorite Marker:  This red one.
Favorite weapon: The Glare of Make-Your-Head-Explode-If-I-Could.
Favorite phrase: "Yeah Bob, it's me. Send another ambulance, please."
Favorite food: I'll just have a salad.
Special ability: Can run a business as chaotic as Doc's, without going bankrupt or having her brain explode.
Previously unpublished fact: Her middle name is Rae.
"Bandit"  (Ferret, Mustela furo)
Real name: As-yet unpublished.
The Sneaky Bastard. Only considers it a "good game" if he's able to eliminate at least one player without actually shooting them.Will occasionally even try to slap a "Bang, you're Out!" sticker on opponents. If necessary, can hide behind himself.
Favorite Marker: Owns only one, a lightly-customized and carefully-tuned stock-class pump. Rarely carries more than two 10-round tubes onto the field.
Favorite weapon: Invisibility and ruthless sneakiness.
Favorite phrase: "...."
Favorite food: Fried sushi.
Previously unpublished fact: Remains unpublished.
Jake  (Striped skunk, Mephitis mephitis)
Full name: As-yet unpublished.
The Nice Guy. Works at a bank, part of a team that does the low-level grunt work processing loan applications and maintaining investment portfolios. Actually kind of enjoys it. Plays paintball to blow off occasional pent-up aggressions. Sometimes has "accidents" with his spray when surprised, and gets very embarrassed about it. Currently dating Pirta, to whom he is eternally grateful.
Favorite marker: Has an old spooler Doc built for him. It works.
Favorite food: Scrambled eggs with ketchup.
Previously unpublished fact: Once did the taxes for a guy that used to work for the CIA.
Pirta  (Snow leopard, Uncia uncia)
Real name: Pirta Raushan (middle name)
The Hot Chick. Wears skimpy clothes partly to show off, but mostly because her fur gives her an R-Value of about 36. Dislikes hot weather. Great-grandparents emigrated from Kazakhstan in 1917, her middle name is Kazakh for "Rose". Currently dating Jake.
Favorite weapon: Wicked right cross, +4 Butt of Distraction.
Favorite marker: It's blue!
Favorite food: Steak, rare
Previously unpublished fact: Has one piercing, but isn't going to show it to you.
"Jinx (Arctic fox, Alopex lagopus)
Real name: James "Jimmy" Olsen
The Kid. Sometimes way too interested in paintball. Reads everything he can get his hands on about it. Loves going through Doc's huge collections of old paintball magazines. Has eight sisters (four younger and four older) and so spends a lot of time at the Shop.
Favorite marker: Varies weekly. Prefers light electros.
Favorite weapon: Taser-Bullwhip, which he uses for reffing.
Favorite phrase: "Sure, I can watch the store for an hour."
Favorite food: Pepperoni pizza
Previously unpublished fact: Kind of wants to become a comic-book artist. Or maybe a fireman.
"Rainman"  (Snowshoe hare, Lepus americanus)
Real name: Daniel
The Tourney Player. Small (don't call him short) and quick, he's a natural front man. Loves to spray paint. A decent snapshot, but very good at shooting while running. Can be kind of a loudmouth on the field, but tends to keep to himself more while off. Always wants the latest technology, and regularly sells off old gear in order to buy whatever new bit just came out. He is, of course, a vegetarian since he's an herbivore. Lives at home with his mom and several other siblings.
Favorite marker: Whatever the newest, fastest, lightest one on the market is.
Favorite food: Caesar salad.
Favorite phrase: "Check'im, Ref!"
Previously unpublished fact: Likes to play pump games, but often won't since he thinks it hurts his "image".
"Red"  (Alaskan Red fox, Vulpes vulpes alascensis)
Real name: As-yet unpublished.
The Field Owner. Red got tired of the 9-to-5 grind several years ago, and decided to do something just for fun. So he opened up a paintball field. Occasionally annoying and often frustrating, he'd still rather do it than keep trying to herd paralegals. Occasionally considers selling the property to developers and retiring to Acapulco. Married, no known kids.
Favorite marker: A rusty old Nel-Spot 007.
Favorite phrase: "I knew I picked the wrong day to quit drinking."
Favorite food: Lunch-wagon burgers and a nip or two of whiskey when things get just a little out of hand.
Previously unpublished fact: Might have a drinking problem.
Howie   (Grey wolf, Canis lupus)
Full name: As-yet unpublished.
The Bartender. Grew up in the military, rumored to have a boxful of decorations somewhere. Or collected shrapnel. Possibly just souvenir buttons from tourist destinations, we don't really know. Once he retired, he used his savings to open a bar, in a small town where he thought things would be quiet and peaceful. Unfortunately, he opened the bar about halfway between Doc's shop and the paintball field, not knowing what was about to happen. Currently dating Kasi's mother.
Favorite weapon: Baseball bat behind the counter. Just in case.
Favorite food: Anything with barbecue sauce.
Favorite drink: Single malt whiskey.
Special ability: Unusual amount of patience. Hasn't tried to kill Doc once, despite multiple fires and frequent detonations.
Previously unpublished fact: He could tell you, but then he'd have to kill you.
Cassiopeia (Cheetah, Acinonyx jubatus)
Full name:  As-yet unpublished.
The Waitress. Divorced mother of one. Currently dating Howie, whom she convinced to remodel the bar, rather than spending the latest insurance check on a largish Caribbean Island. Not a terribly big fan of Doc; she likes how much he can eat and drink at the bar, but hates the chaos that inevitably follows him.
Favorite mixed drink: Irish Coffee.
Favorite food: Chicken, either fried, barbecued or as hot wings.
Special ability: Can toss a drunk upwards of 20 yards.
Previously unpublished Fact: Thinks there isn't enough Hank Williams in the bars' Jukebox.
Kasi  (Cheetah, Acinonyx jubatus)
Full name: As-yet unpublished.
The Furry little Chainsaw. A somewhat hyperactive child, very inquisitive, loves first-person-shooter video games. Can hit 70 MPH for brief periods- closer to 90 after drinking one of Doc's 'special' Mountain Dews. Currently has a mild crush on Jinx, to which he is largely oblivious. Wants to learn how to play the tuba.
Favorite weapon: Teeth and claws. Occasionally one of Doc's surplus AIM-54C air-to-air missiles.
Favorite food: Chocolate-covered bacon.
Favorite phrase: Usually some variant of "Banzai!"
Previously unpublished fact: Doesn't like people to know she collects My Little Ponies
Bruno  (Brown bear, Ursus Arctos)
Full name: As-yet unpublished.
The Old Softy. Made a small fortune during the Dot-Com Boom, but only managed to save just enough for him and his wife to live fairly comfortably. Helps Red at the field just for something to do. Started playing paintball almost at the beginning.
Favorite marker: An ancient Sheridan KP rifle, bought new in 1985.
Favorite weapon: Intimidating stare. Taser.
Favorite food: Broiled salmon with cranberry sauce.
Favorite phrase: "It's customary to leave the playing field when marked. Should I let go of your head or do you need another reminder?"
Previously unpublished fact: Used to be a software developer, was once a multi-millionaire (on paper.)
Gino  (Giant panda, Ailuropoda melanoleuca)
Full name: Giovanni Fransisco de Dominicis
The Repo Man. Skip-tracer and general muscle-for-hire. He and Doc go way back. Kind of annoyed their small town doesn't really have a 'seedy underbelly' apart from that drunk guy Howie keeps throwing out.
Favorite phrase: "Am I gonna have to break your knees again?"
Favorite weapon: Lead-filled sap for social calls, suppressed Beretta for "wet work".
Favorite food: Fried bamboo shoots in gravy.
Previously unpublished fact: Has three PhDs
"Snowshoe"  (Canadian lynx, Lynx canadensis)
Real name: Robert
That Guy. Started playing paintball in high school, and became so hooked that a few years later he made what would usually have been a big mistake and brought his then-new and reluctant girlfriend Tawny one weekend. Amazingly enough, she loved it, and they've been playing together ever since. In fact, she's a better player that he is, although he won't admit it.
Favorite marker: Whichever one works. Between the two of them, they have over a dozen.
Favorite food: Grilled burgers with bacon and cheese
Previously unpublished fact: Canadian expat. Had to stop himself from saying "eh" all the time.
Tawny  (Bobcat, Lynx rufus)
Full name: Tawny Madison.
That Girl. Tawny had just started dating Snowshoe when he dragged her to a paintball game. Turned out she loved it, and by the following weekend had bought her own equipment. They're currently living together, and her markers are the ones most likely to be found on the coffee table and in between the sofa cushions.
Favorite marker: That whiz-bang number that Snowshoe bought her for their one-year anniversary.
Favorite food: Chocolate covered mice.
Favorite phrase: "Oh, this should be fun..."
Previously unpublished fact: Her dad was a mechanic, and she's kind of a gearhead.
Miki (Siberian husky, Canis lupus familiaris)
Full name: Mikittok Qimmiq ("mick-KIT-tock KIM-mick", Inuit for 'small dog')
The Sassy Barista. Works at the coffee shop with Cara, and is one of her oldest friends.
Favorite food: Banana splits. With lots of hot fudge.
Favorite phrase: "Move it, Buster! We're tryin'a run a business here!"
Favorite weapon: Rapier wit.
Special ability: Clears most doorways with almost two feet to spare.
Previously unpublished fact: Probably isn't wearing any underwear.
Larry & Daryl
Larry and Daryl (American red squirrels, Tamiasciurus hudsonicus)
Full names: Larry and Daryl Van Antwerp.
The Excitable Types. Larry and Daryl are teenage brothers who got into paintball in a big way. They each own three or four sets of gear, their room is plastered with paintball posters and photos printed off the internet, and they each have a small but prized collection of aging but well-thumbed paintball magazines. They're only mediocre players, but have plenty of enthusiasm which sometimes, but not always, helps make up for their lack of skill. Daryl in particular has taken to the use of paintball grenades in order to try and beat some of the better players.
Favorite markers: Usually rentals, plus the occasional DocsWorks Mk-40 Paintball Marking Grenades.
Favorite phrase: "Best forty bucks I ever spent!"
Favorite food: Walnuts, pecan pie.
Previously unpublished Fact: Even their parents sometimes have trouble telling them apart.
"Radar"(Fennec fox, Vulpes zerda)
Full name: Robin
The Little Girl. A recent transplant, he father let her choose paintball or karate, but wouldn't let her have any nunchucks.
Favorite marker: Her brand new, just-released Tesseract Black Mark Zero in Limited Edition Amaranthine.
Favorite food: Candied palm dates.
Favorite phrase: "I can take 'im."
Previously unpublished Fact: Is often annoyed by the fact she can hear digestion.
"Sarge" (German Shepherd, Canis familiaris)
Full name:As-yet unpublished.
The Sergeant. Career veteran, transferred over from the big city after the departments' last chief suffered a nervous breakdown. Is well on the way to a breakdown of his own.
Favorite weapon: Fire axe.
Favorite food: Pan-seared steak, rare, with onions and lots of garlic. Or gas-station corn dogs. Whichever.
Favorite phrase: "Oh good god, it's you two again."
Previously unpublished Fact: Big fan of Marvel's superhero movies.
Luke, Sr.
Luke, Sr (Dalmatian, Canis familiaris)
Full name: As-yet unpublished.
The Fireman. He's a fireman, his dad was a fireman, and he hopes his son will be a fireman too. Did three tours in the Gulf War because there "wasn't anything good on TV".
Favorite weapon:  Rosenbauer Panther 6x6 Aircraft Rescue Firefighting vehicle
Favorite food: Hot Pockets in pepperoni pizza flavor. Or Sarge's steaks. Whichever.
Previously unpublished Fact: Still upset they wouldn't let him keep that M56A2 Smartgun.
Luke, Jr.
Luke, Jr (Dalmatian, Canis familiaris)
Full name: As-yet unpublished.
Luke, Sr's teenage son.
Favorite marker: Old Ion. Or, occasionally, a rental, because hey, it's an Ion.
Favorite food: Chocolate chip cookies.
Previously unpublished Fact: Not all that sure he wants to be a fireman.
Simon (Desert cottontail, Sylvilagus audubonii)
Full name: As-yet unpublished
The Brown Bunny Guy. In college, plays paintball to relax, which doesn't always work.
Favorite marker: Gold-tone YottaBlaster, an old spooler he's had for a couple years.
Favorite car: His old Hyundai, may it rest in peace.
Favorite phrase: "These ears aren't just for show, y'know."
Previously unpublished Fact: Majoring in electrical engineering. His mom wanted him to become a hairdresser.
Mr. Quisenberry
Mr. Quisenberry (Lion, Panthera leo)
Full name: Grigori Quisenberry
The Banker. Jake's boss. Gruff, but fair.
Favorite food: True, authentic Greek gyros, which he can almost never find here in the US.
Favorite phrase: "I'd like to see you in my office."
Previously unpublished Fact: Pretty much all facts about Quisenberry are unpublished.
Duncan (Cougar, Puma concolor)
Full name: As-yet unpublished.
The Cow-Orker. Works next to Jake in the "gruntwork" section of the bank. Apparently has the hots for Pirta.
Favorite food: Tacos with salsa, and lots of 'em.
Favorite phrase: (to Pirta) "Bear my children?"
Previously unpublished Fact: Single, keeps asking Jake if Pirta has a sister. Or even a cousin.
"Packrat" (Brown rat, Rattus norvegicus)
Full name: As-yet unpublished.
The Pack Rat. Runs a military-surplus and secondhand store up in the big city. Plays paintball because "the man" won't let him have a machine gun. Plus he can sell old surplus crap to newbies for more than anyone else will pay for it.
Favorite marker: Old 'Mag. Traded a rusty bayonet for it, and it just keeps working and working.
Favorite phrase: "Hey toots, is the fat guy in?"
Favorite food: Whiskey and fried chicken.
Previously unpublished Fact: There may be a bit of... history, between Packy and Doc. Time will tell.
Pete (Koala, Phascolarctos cinereus)
Full name: As-yet unpublished.
The comic-book guy. Reads way too many of them, plus a bunch of webcomics.
Favorite webcomic: That paintball one, about those guys in Alaska. That or Schlock Mercenary.
Favorite phrase: "So I read a lot of comics."
Favorite food: Cheetos and Code Red.
Previously unpublished Fact: Named his paintball gun Potentially Deranged.
"Ambush" (Ermine-phase stoat, Mustela erminea)
Full name: As-yet unpublished
The Nemesis. Not really a bad guy, but can be kind of a jerk sometimes. Thinks he's being sneaky, but like other bright-white-furred players have found out, it's harder than it looks.
Favorite marker: Whatever it takes to win, baby.
Favorite food: Jerky stix and Red Bull.
Previously unpublished Fact: They're all pretty much unpublished.
"Upshot" (Badger, Taxidea taxus)
Full name: William "Billy" Nordberg
The Rules Lawyer. The kind of guy that comes up with an obscure, highly unlikely scenario, wonders how the rules would handle it, and expects everyone to take him seriously.
Favorite movie: How to Irritate People with John Cleese
Favorite phrase: "Hey, I have a question..."
Favorite food: Fried bananas.
Previously unpublished Fact: Hasn't been able to find anyone who will let him join their D&D game since he was 12.
Anthony (Tiger, Panthera tigris)
Full name: Anthony Shardui
The Contractor. He fixes what Doc destroys. His company can do everything from pour concrete to wire the coffeemakers.
Favorite tool: Cat D11T Carrydozer.
Favorite food: Sirloin, rare, and lots of it.
Favorite phrase: "Yeah. we can fix that, if you have enough money to fill up all those cracks."
Previously unpublished Fact: Was offered a contract to help build Burj Khalifa, turned it down because it was 'too boring'.

The Fridge-Monster (mostly expired egg foo yung, fu yung hai)
Full name: Inapplicable.
The Goopy Mess. Evolved out of several plates of long-expired leftover food. May not have a nervous system, but might have a sense of humor.
Favorite utterance: "Blarg!" (Meaning unknown.)
Favorite food: Anything green and fuzzy. Last month's potato salad appears to be a particular favorite.
Previously unpublished Fact: Vulnerable to flame weapons, dislikes Velveeta, the Cheese That Cannot Die.
Dogs in Black
The Dogs in Black (Typically German Shepherds, Canis familiaris)
Full name: Anonymous group- Smith, Jones, Brown, etc.
A group of nongovernmental agents that occasionally appear to confiscate some of Doc's more dangerous- or ludicrous- inventions.
Favorite weapons: Tasers, Neuralyzers.
Favorite food: Unknown. Probably coffee and donuts.
Previously unpublished Fact: It is unknown if they are confiscating and destroying the inventions, or are using the technology for themselves.
The Jackal (Probably some variant of Egyptian Black Jackal, Canis mesomelas)
Full name: Probably inapplicable.
The Jackal is a manifestation that appears at certain times when Doc has been rendered unconscious. He has generally tried to give warnings or advice, but Doc is typically too busy playing in his dream-world, which to him works a lot like a holodeck, to notice.
Favorite outfit: Neo's leather trenchcoat and glasses from The Matrix. "Because it looks cool".
Favorite food: Probably inapplicable.
Previously unpublished Fact: Is not, in fact, a psychopomp.
Combat Drone
The Combat Drones
Full designation: Turanga-Class Mark VI Semi-Autonomous Combat Drone
The Mark-Sixes are one of several experimental weapons systems that Doc and Roger are helping design and test for various branches of the US Government. They have no proper AI, but do carry some fairly sophisticated programming, and can network with each other for target tracking and other relatively simple problem-solving.
Primary power source: Roger's third-generation fast-neutron "pocket reactor"
Primary weapon:  A single half-Megawatt Infrared Chemical Oxygen-Iodine Laser (COIL)
Secondary weapons: as-yet undetermined

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